sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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