I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
