I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
