Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
