the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I did not marry a roomba.
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