I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
