If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
