If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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