Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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