so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
