I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
