Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
They took my balls.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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