Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
