in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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