You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
