Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
