she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
