I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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