in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
