he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I am available for nakedness
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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