I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
