a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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