Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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