Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
