Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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