I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
