I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
