his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Pooping to opera.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize