We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
