Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
