If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
