Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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