then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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