Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
