Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
