I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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