my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
