I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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