So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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