i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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