IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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