The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
