It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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