im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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