I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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