and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
