Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
