Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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