You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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