I skipped work to stalk him.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
