My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
