I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
