Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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