Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
