Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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