he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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