well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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