dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
