Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize