He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
