Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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