well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize