im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
