if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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